When Life Gives You a Lemon

Recently I had the honor of being a guest on Dr. Diana Sorrentino (Dr. D), Ph.D.' s Paradoxes of Gender podcast. Dr. D is a valued resource to the healthcare community offering a wealth of knowledge on gender-diverse and transgender experiences. Her recently released book, Adolescent Gender Affirming Medical & Behavioral Healthcare is now available on Amazon, https://a.co/d/04PJf7eV.

A little over five years ago I was diagnosed with what ended up being fatal cancer. In this podcast clip from Episode 26.82 - The Birth of a Pheonix I share briefly about that cancer diagnosis and the lead up to surgery. The full podcast is available to listen to at Podcasts. Ultimately the cancer was fatal, to the masculine character, in the role that I had been playing for over forty-five years.

Cancer was the lemon life had given me. Living and loving my authentic life now is the lemonade that came out of it. Those forty-five years piled trauma on top of the trauma from growing up as a transgender child in the sixties and seventies. During my youth there was no internet, no support and no way to learn anything about my gender incongruity. As I have previously shared, at fourteen, after a brutal beating I realized that I needed to change what the world around me saw that made them uncomfortable with me.

That was the beginning of my transition to masculinity. Imagine being undercover where the smallest mistake could cost you your life. That is as close as I can describe being a closeted transgender woman and presenting masculinely.

My cover was a character as completely different from my authentic self as possible. To protect my real identity meant to be constantly alert about everything that I said and did. Every mannerism and everything that came out of my mouth had to be monitored.

My existence was guided by fear and shame. During that time, I made bad relationship choices that led to abuse, control and blackmail. The cancer diagnosis and subsequent surgery was the beginning of my transition back to my authentic self. My authentic life is so amazing that I am grateful that the cancer was fatal to my character and the authentic me came back to life.

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